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Posts Tagged ‘introspecting’

Back to Dancing

In Art, My Files on June 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I danced on stage after three years. I had almost forgotten what it felt like being on stage. The performance was so much fun! I wouldn’t call it a satisfying performance though, maybe because the process was devoid of the intension to excel and at the same time I had not painted a picture of what the final product should look like. The reason I began the jig was to go back and check if I really liked dancing they way I did in school. On second thought, it was getting increasingly difficult to distinguish between me and the couch. We were almost done blending into each other.

Just to set the record straight, I am not a phenomenal dancer. This experiment was not done to test whether I could move my limbs efficiently but whether I enjoyed moving them in the first place. So, a friend and I randomly joined a beginner’s batch. The batch had an assortment of people – teens, young office goers, mums and dads and so on. I walked in with no expectations but I was mildly excited at being choreographed again.  As always, I positioned myself in the last row. It’s a position I am most loyal to – last bench, last row. If found lurking in the front rows, I am parceled to the last row corner positions, benches and so on. Fair enough. I tend to block views vertically; not so much laterally. Anyway, I took the center, last row so I could watch and ape as instructed.

The first few days were like regular drills, not too exciting, not too boring. The workout sessions were challenging but not exhausting enough. So it was not quite the stress buster I was hoping it would be. I was bored. A few sessions later I learnt that it was very obvious from the way I conducted myself that I was uninterested. But by then the sessions had started gathering momentum. The workouts were more tiring and the dance more enjoyable. Yet, in the last few days the energy fizzled out. But communications between new friends were at its peak. There was more talking, planning, evaluating than dancing along with excitement about the final stage performance.

Come the final day, the performance was a pleasant breeze. The dance was short, simple and enjoyable. With about twenty five dancers occupying the stage, I was glad I was positioned in the second row mid-area. Yet, I had my doubts that my folks would spot me from their far-away seats. Honestly, I didn’t want them to attend the show but mum and dad seemed to want to watch it and my sis and bf seemed pretty excited about the performance. Well, they spotted me! Yayy!

Verdict: The more I dance, the more I enjoy it. If I were to rate this experience, I’d give it a 3/5.

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Mind Chatter: The Voices in My Head

In Minds and Mindsets on May 31, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Image by: Nevit Dilmen:: Image License 

I’m observing the tussle between several views originating from the same mind. They discuss what is liked, what can be liked, what cannot be liked, what is not liked. What I should be, what I shouldn’t be, what I could be, what I couldn’t be. What I got, what I didn’t get, what I didn’t get but someone else got. What I should say, what I shouldn’t, how I should react, how I can’t react, how I shouldn’t react. “Don’t react!”

I notice my mind struggling to generate an unambiguous performance report.  It assesses, was I rude, was I polite, should I have been ruder, should I have been more polite? Was I cunning, did the situation permit me to be cunning? Am I good, am I a good human being, what is a good human being? Was I good enough, am I good enough, am I better than the rest, am I the best? I want to be the best, do I really want to be the best, am I doing enough to be the best, do I have to be the best?

I watch my mind trying to build my identity. It investigates, do I like this, do I love this, do I like it ‘cause you like it or do you like it cause I like it? Do I like you? Does it matter? What do you think? What do I think? What do you think I think? What do you think she thinks? What do you think she thinks he thinks? Why is everybody thinking so much? I don’t care what you think! Or do I?

“Quiet!!”